i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
