omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
