i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So much rum. So many feels.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
