Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
