God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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