Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
