he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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