you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
