I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
