glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we made out on top of his cat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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