The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
