Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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