Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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