he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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