My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
