You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What a dumb baby whore.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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