I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
