I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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