i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
