im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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