I wish I only lived at night.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
