Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You were trust falling into bushes
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
