She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
