I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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