I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
