so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
