It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize