I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
