me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
