I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
