Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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