Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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