Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
