Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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