I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
