Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
