I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
