I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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