i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
