Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
