Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
