I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
