There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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