Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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