I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All I want is dick and wine.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
