I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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