i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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