Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
