Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
