I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
