at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
