I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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