I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
