She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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