i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
