areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
