I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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