I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
