I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
