I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
