Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
