No stitches, just platelets and will power
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
