just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
you made out with another girl for some wings
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
